Some Headlines You May Have Missed

Rush Limbaugh Marries Longtime Love Zicam

Carbonite, Pro Fowers In Tears; Jilted Lifelock Threatens to Reveal Compromising Photos Of Conservative Titan

Simon Cowell Leaps Over Table, Rips Out Still Beating Heart Of Subpar Idol Contestant

Brutal Attack Still Ranks As Least Harsh Cowell Critique

“I Am Not An Ideologue” Declares Obama; Then Renames Country ‘Union of American Socialist States’

New U.A.S.S to be “Perfect Marxist Paradise” Says Post Partisan President

U2 Promise New Album By 2026

Irish Supergroup Vows To Step Up Pace Of Musical Output; “Our Fans Deserve It” Declares Bono

Steve Jobs Unveils ‘iGiveashit’

Apple CEO Wipes Ass With Old iPhone, Tosses it Into Frenzied Audience At Mac Convention

American Millionaires Fight Over 11:30 PM Time Slot While Haitians Fight Over Scraps Of Food

Americans Find Conan O’Brien Somehow More Sympathetic Than Devastated Island Nation

Senator Caught Masturbating In Senate Cloak Room “Just Wanted To Do Something More Productive Than Budget Committee Meeting”

Claims “The Only Six Minutes I’ve Spent On Capitol Hill Not A Complete Fucking Waste”